I'm Currently Feeling:

I had an amazing breakthrough in my life last Friday. It's as if I were seeing the world for the first time. All of the hurt that I had built up for 20 years was erased (even though the memories linger) and I felt free for that one period of time. I still feel like that, maybe not as continuously, but I still have a lot of relief and peace in my heart. That's a hard thing to come by when you feel overwhelmed. I was being filled with the Holy Spirit, and I have to tell you, I haven't been the same since. It's amazing, really, to me. I'm a control freak. I can't believe I've relinquished enough control for a spiritual experience to take over, which is precisely what happened. It feels like at times, I can not even talk myself into saying the negative things I had become akin to beforehand. The spiritual high I had been on since June 16th appeared to come to a crashing halt when someone interrupted my joy with irrational bitterness inspired by possessiveness.


I hate the fact that I have to use "bitterness" to describe those I care for, but it seems as if that is the only way I can describe this person at that time. The guy, whose name shall remain anonymous, introduced me to spiritual healing. I will always remain grateful to him for that. It's nothing in the world quite like discovering why you’re hurting and how the hurt can cease. He seemed so tender, loving and caring. It almost felt as if whatever burden I had on my heart, he tries his best to understand and help me work through it. I never thought friendship was this honest. There were no boundaries, secrets. We formed a very astute bond. My problem is that when I decided that I wanted to be a grateful friend as opposed to grateful girlfriend, I began to see a less appealing person than the one ministering to me when I was wounded.


Honestly, I can see where he might have gotten the idea that this had the potential to be something more than just friendly. I made the mistake of giving him a shot after he helped me worked through my insecurities. However, I don't care what problems someone has helped you to face or overcome, that doesn't always lead to love. You can be thankful for what someone has done for you WITHOUT prostituting your emotions or pretend to feel something that you don't. See love is so much more expansive than romance. You can allow someone inside your heart without wanting to make love to them or be in a relationship with them. The best way I can explain it is, love is like a hurricane. It's going to hit whomever, whenever, wherever it chooses. The circumstances are always unconditional. You can't categorize love as being something specifically between man and woman or boyfriend and girlfriend. I am absolutely trying my best to be respectful of the fact that he has more intimate feelings passionate feelings for me, but at the same time I don't like being suffocated by trying to please a fragile & misguided heart.
Feelings are more delicate than I feel like I'm equipped to understand at times.
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